Resignation is Simply a Silent Will
Yesterday was one for the record books. I received word about next steps for a spot on my arm & they included words like “scalloped lesion, bone scan, another MRI & possible bone biopsy”. All of this means more waiting in the gray not really knowing what’s next.
I left the appointment disappointed & rode home silent. Markel & I eventually went for a walk where he filled me in on the cost of a recent car repair.
I wish I could say that I didn’t flinch but anger rose up like a tornado. I just wanted to yell at someone & kick something 😳 Yet, I made no reply but cried as we walked in silence. I remained silent on the outside while raging with God inside. I knew if I spoke that a rush of sin would slime my husband so I kept my lips sealed.
David writes about this idea of resignation before the Lord in Psalm 62.
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.
He 1st proclaims his decision & then commands his soul to follow suit.
Resignation is simply a silent will. It’s a rubber meets the road moment where I remove the word “my” before “will” & allow it to become an echo of my Lord rather than the voice of me.
It’s kinda like a piano that sits silent until the pianist begins to play. I want to play out all of the scenarios myself, anticipating what’s next while drowning out the still, small voice of God in the process.
As we walked, I confessed that I felt kinda dead inside - that I’d rather feel nothing than feel what I’m feeling cuz it just doesn’t “feel” awesome.
I asked God for a sign that He sees me-a random rock, some sticks, anything would do.
We walked around a bit further & then I saw it.
I felt the Lord whisper, “Look up!”
I did & saw the most brilliant flower radiating color from a seemingly lifeless, gray tree. (See picture in graphic 🤗)
This little beauty reminded me that what appears dead can suddenly teem with life from one touch of our Savior!. It encouraged me to bridle impatience & simply place trust in my Living Hope who conquered the dank, darkness of death-even feelings of death.
Father, let ALL that we are wait quietly before you for we put our hope in You alone.
September 18th One Year Bible Readings